Guide to Proper Use of Some Commonly Misused Words

If you're ever confused about how to properly use words like their/they're/there or to/too/two, you can refer to this little story:

When the Kraken attacks, ships tend to sink. One ship was attacked by the Kraken and promptly sank. After it had sunk, an archaeologist was asked to recover it. He was reluctant, but had to accept the job. It would be relatively easy, except for the part about being in the territory of the Kraken. It was widely known by this point that the Kraken tended to adversely affect ships. The effect of the Kraken on this particular ship was that it had been capsized, one of the Kraken's favorite means of sinking ships.
Suddenly, a woman appeared in the waves. She was followed by several other women. The principal reason they had been there was to lie in wait for ships to come along. They would lure the ships into the Kraken's hideout, where it lay in wait. Their strategy was based on the principle of ships piloted by men to be attracted to them. They would then move gradually away, forcing the ship to move closer. When it came within less than 50 yards, they would begin swimming away faster.
This strategy was to prove ineffective though. The captain and two other men had gone belowdecks to quench their thirst. They went to the fridge, but the door was too heavy to open. Thus they headed to the nearby wine cellar to drink. They drank deeply. So deeply had they drunk, after an hour had passed, that they passed out. Their brains intoxicated, they lolled on the floor in a stupor. There they remained for several hours. (They're not good at holding their liquor.)
Suddenly, there was a massive bump - the ship had run aground after the helmsman, whose judgment had been clouded by drinking earlier, steered it into a rock. "Who's there?" the captain stammered, waking up.
Suddenly, the ship was torn apart by the Kraken! The captain was struck by a part of the mast, which the Kraken had torn off. He suffered only a minor concussion, and before long the Kraken had filled its appetite and left. "It's a miracle!" the survivors exclaimed, relieved.
(However, they were still drunk and floating helpless in the middle of the ocean...)

By the way, "definately" is not a word. You're supposed to spell it with an I: definitely.